What We Can Learn About Needs and Strategies from Men Behind Prison Walls
This week, I sat with a group of men who know the weight of time in ways most of us can’t imagine. I went into a prison with Heart-to-Heart to help with a Nonviolent Communication (NVC) class. After thirty years of incarceration, one man stands on the brink of a new chapter, a freedom he once thought impossible.
What might one do with freedom after thirty years? And who will help this human adapt to a new world in a way that supports him?
Needs and Strategies: A Foundation for Understanding
When we talked about Nonviolent Communication, the conversation turned to needs and strategies, concepts at the core of NVC.
According to Marshall Rosenberg, needs are the universal human values we share, like safety, belonging, purpose, love, and autonomy. They are the driving forces behind all our actions. Strategies, on the other hand, are the specific ways we try to meet those needs.
The heartbreaking reality is that many who get incarcerated were trying to meet basic needs, like safety or belonging, but chose strategies that led to devastation. Many committed crimes they now deeply regret, realizing the cost wasn’t just their freedom. Families were impacted. Strangers were hurt. Their actions rippled outward in ways they couldn’t have foreseen.
Inner Work and Unexpected Wisdom
Many of the men I hear from recognize that true change must start within. Some of them, you can tell, have developed wisdom from the hard work they’ve done on themselves while locked up.
I’ve seen how some of them have used their time to better understand their inner landscape. They’ve done more internal work than many people they will return to once released from prison. I hadn’t considered this mismatch until recently.
The Love of a Father
What always moves me is how much these men love their kids.
They talk about their children with so much tenderness, and they clearly hunger to be in their lives. They know their absence has been painful for their families, which tears them up. But it’s not just about regret. It’s about a deep desire to show up differently, to be the kind of father their children deserve.
That longing feels raw and real every time it comes up. It reminds me how deeply we’re wired for connection, even when life feels impossibly broken.
Repair Requires More Than Action
When men talk about their families, I often hear an acknowledgment of how their incarceration has hurt their loved ones. But in their vulnerability, there’s also a profound strength, a longing to repair what they can, to create something meaningful even from prison.
This repair, they understand, requires not just new actions but a new way of being.
Reflection for All of Us
Nonviolent Communication teaches us to recognize our universal human needs and distinguish between needs and strategies. This requires self-reflection and contemplative practice, finding moments of silence and stillness to discover our inner resources for change.
The men in prison need this as much as us on the outside. Right?! The practice of silencing our fast-moving thoughts and reactivity enough to be with reality is so hard. Why is it so hard for a guy in prison and a gal outside?
What If We Did the Work, Too?
The space of honesty and hope teaches me something every time. Beneath every action, no matter how destructive, is a need we all share: the need to feel connected, valued, safe, and loved.
What if we, on the outside, are doing this same work of self-reflection? What if we’re taking the time to listen to the beautiful needs alive in us, paying attention to the strategies we use to meet those needs, and discerning whether those strategies are working for us and others?
Imagine how much healing might come if we approached our lives, relationships, and failures with that kind of intentionality. What kind of world could we create if we met each other with that kind of grace?
And what might it feel like if, when these men come home, we were already practicing that kind of love and hope ourselves?